Michelle and I recently celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary and 16 years together. It seems like it’s flown by — yet as the invading gray hairs on my head remind me, it’s also been awhile. As I reflect back on our time together, I think one agreement we made early on has served us particularly well.

We try not to say anything to anyone else that we aren’t comfortable saying to each other.

Have we executed this agreement perfectly? Of course not! But having it as a stated goal has kept it top of mind and when we’re communicating instead of complaining about each other, it’s much easier to stay on the same page. And if I’ve learned anything over the past 16 years, it’s that standing the test of time requires staying on the same page – financially and otherwise.

If you’re looking to get back on the same page or ready to start, here are three questions that might help.

1) What do we value individually?

Start by each making your own individual lists of what’s important to you.

2) What do we value collectively?

Now compare your lists. What showed up as important for both of you? Any surprises?

3) Where are we not aligned?

What’s on your partner’s list that’s not on yours and vice versa? Are they in conflict with yours? Or are they ones that you can support, too?

Asking and answering these questions goes a long way in removing money rants shared with someone other than your partner. You know the ones I’m talking about…

“Apparently he thinks we have a money tree growing in the backyard…”

Or

“She thinks we can just afford to give the kids everything they want…”

Rather than complaining about these money habits to others, try using these three questions as a way to talk directly with your partner. The very act of making the time and sitting down together to discuss them is half the battle.

When you can clearly see what matters and why to both you and your partner, it should become much easier to stand the test of time together.

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